It has been so long since I’ve been on here and it feels great to be back.
Life update, at the beginning on this year I wrote about finding my balance. I wanted this to be the year I stopped having really high highs and then really low lows. I wanted to hop off the roller coaster ride and become more steady. Honestly, I feel like it’s working. Through probably my lowest low I learned to stop placing my happiness in my circumstances. I’m learning a lot about being content and resting in the Lord. It’s been a solid probably 5 months that I’ve been steady as a rock. This is a whole other blog post in itself but I really wanted to update you all. Though I have seemed to find my steadiness it doesn’t always come easy.
A few weeks ago the reality of how long Luke and I have been trying to have a baby really sunk in for some reason (a little over a year and a half). I’m assuming it’s because I push my feelings down and don’t think of them until I’m around a bunch of babies and go to a baby shower and then those feelings make their way to the surface.
It wrecked me for a few days and since then it has become that all consuming feeling again. When you are trying to have a baby it’s nearly impossible to stop thinking about it. It consumes your thoughts. Even when you don’t think you are thinking about it it’s there, bubbling right under the surface. And in case no one has told you, that’s okay. I’ve spent a lot of time fighting those thoughts until I realized its natural. It’s something I care about and desperately want so of course I’m going to think about it. Also it’s something that takes place INSIDE your body so you can’t get those feelings out.
For about 2 months Luke and I decided to try tracking. If you don’t know what that means I’m sorry I’m not going to go into all the details. Basically you pee on a stick everyday until it tells you you’re ovulating. Well that just was not for me, at all. It took that all consuming feeling to a whole new level. I personally couldn’t handle it. It was way too much and I found myself so impatient and frustrated and just flat out stressed. We decided that it wasn’t healthy to continue doing that and stopped.
Now for some people I know that to them this means we aren’t truly trying but this process is different for everyone. Let me say that again for the people in the back, my journey isn’t going to look like Susie’s journey or Becky’s journey it’s going to look like Luke and Ally’s journey. Everyone handles this in their own way and that’s totally fine. Everyone’s bodies are different so what worked for someone may not work for me and vice versa.
I will tell you something else that will blow your mind. I’ve only been to the doctor once during this process. I probably wouldn’t even of told anyone that until lately because I now know it’s okay. I don’t feel ready to see a doctor and it sort of freaks me out a lot. I’m not ready to admit defeat which I know that’s not what it is but it sure feels like it. I’m not ready for them to tell me what could be the case. It could be something so simple but the fear that it’s something bigger is holding me back. I’m working on getting ready for that and I will go one day just not right now.
This struggle rising up again could easily knock me off my balance again but I’m not going to let it. My hope and trust is in Christ so I have no reason to worry no matter what my feelings may be telling me. I’m learning to rest I’m Him and His promises to me. I know that with or without a baby I’m still Ally, loved and valued by God. That’s enough for me and I know I’m enough for Him. So the roller coaster might be ready for me to hop back in but I think I’ll keep walking.