Hey! It has been a minute since I have been on here. I feel like I have started my last three blog posts saying that it's been awhile but you know, life. I'll try to get more consistent with my posts but no promises.
PHEW!!! These last few months have been a whirlwind. I remember in my post about 2018 I wrote about how I wanted to find my balance this year. I did not know it then but that has quickly become the theme of this year. I am even a little scared to write that I feel more stable now than I have in a long time. There I said it.... if I just jinked myself I'll be back in a week telling you about how off balance I feel again. I'm kidding because that is not going to happen to me again and let me tell you why.
I could be exaggerating when I say its been 3 years that I have been on this up and down roller coaster ride but that's how it feels so we are going to go with that. I believe everyone kind of has their own "patterns" in life. I know for sure I have patterns. Here's my pattern:
I will be perfectly happy where I am and with everything in my life for a while and then suddenly it feels like the walls start closing in again. What I mean is ill have a day sometimes a week and the longest has been weeks where I feel depressed. Now I have never been truly "in depression" so I can't speak on what that is like. For me I feel super unhappy with just about everything. I want to change careers and I want to change careers NOW. Joy used to be something that came so easily and then I struggle to find the smallest amount of it. The best way to describe it is un-content. Things that were normal a week ago are suddenly driving you crazy and you need them to change now. I get in a mood that can't be shaken by anything and I would come home from work and just cry. This seems crazy, trust me I know (try being married to me, Luke is a saint) but it's where I was crazy or not. I would feel this unhappiness for a while and then it would go away again. Nothing I could pinpoint and say every time I did "this" it went away. Sometimes it would be that I followed out these feelings. I felt like I needed a new career and I would go get one and only be left feeling more empty. Maybe it would be doing something to my house and having that not fulfill me the way I wanted. I would do everything I possibly could and be left feeling blank, empty and hurting. These feelings would slowly go away but just like that they would be back again.
About a month ago this all reached an all time low. In tears one night I was explaining to Luke all my frustrations. I told him how tired I was of going back into this place. I told him how exhausting it is to find yourself returning to this unhappy/ un-content place yet again. I told him how frustrating it is to be a girl who has everything she could possibly want and still feel so unhappy.
SIDE NOTE: I don't want you to get me wrong because at this point I am making myself sound like a spoiled brat. The issue was never me wanting what I don't have or me just wanting more and more and more stuff. Okay back to my story.
I told Luke I was done and that this was it. I pinpointed my job being the root of all this unhappiness. I decided I needed to find a way to not work anymore and figure out what I needed to do to be happy. If you are rolling your eyes at me at this point, I'm right there with you. I thought that I would stick it out at my job until I found a solution and then quit and everything would be sunshine and rainbows. WRONG, WRONG, SOOOOO WRONG. My unhappiness was shining through to everyone. I was in a horrible mood at work and everyone could see it. My motivation and desire for the things I was doing outside of work were non existent. This all exploded one day as the day I am labeling "The Worst Day of My Life." You think I am kidding and I am not I haven't been through much so this really was the worst day ever. I had blamed my job for making me so unhappy and I always thought if I could just not work there I would find joy again. At the same time I was battling crazy guilt. I work for my parents at a Flower Shop that has been in our family longer than I have been alive. Quitting my job wasn't just like quitting Bob Evans and I was racked with this guilt about it. Basically there was a lot going on inside my strange mind and it all exploded one day at work with my mom. We eventually decided that I was going to work through May and be done. I thought, "This is it, this is what I've been waiting for." NO. WRONG AGAIN ALLY. I left work after that conversation and I felt miserable. All night I was just sad and consumed by guilt.
I had a long talk with God that night, someone who has been missing in this story up until now but I bet you knew He was coming. I laid it all out to Him as if He were someone who didn't know my every thought. I started journaling and in my journal I like to write out exactly how I'm feeling at that moment in case I want to go back years later and read through it. I was in the middle of writing out how crappy of a person I had been and how guilty I felt for literally just quitting the flower shop for bad reasons. I just sat there in silence for a while and so clearly I heard, "You can sit there and be sad right now but just know when you are done there is so much grace waiting for you." That grace waiting for me was all I needed to pick myself back up and start figuring out what the real issue was.
Trying to find out problems in your own life is hard because there were a lot of layers.
- I'm not someone who wants to work forever and I don't believe I will but my timing to not work ever again is not now.
- I can't get pregnant and there is nothing I can do about it and it hurts like hell.
- I want my crochet business to be so successful and it's growing but it's not growing fast enough.
- I once was on fire for groups I am a part of at church and now I am not. What can I do to reignite that flame.
These are just a few on my list of many.
See when you are diving in head first to an issue there about 10 more issues lying underneath that need to be sorted through first. When I went on this small journey to sort through mine what I found was that separately these issues were not bringing me down. Together they all say one thing: un-content. I constantly want to be changing and growing and moving when maybe God is saying stay. Im always searching for what's next when I am missing what is and always has been right in front of me. Im trying to fill a void with new things and different things when all I need is Jesus. I need to always pull everything from Jesus. That joy I was missing and that unhappiness I was feeling all that could be solved with placing Jesus in the center of everything instead of just another check on my list.
There have been few times when I have realized something and felt instantly better but this was one of those times. I felt this weight I had been carrying around immediately lift. I feel like once and for all I have kicked this struggle of mine. It might come back around but now I know I can look to the things I have, count my blessings and turn to Jesus first and find that contentment again. I feel like no longer will I wrestle with being un-content and man let me tell you it feels GOOD. I was able to take this "revelation" and apply it to all my underlying issues.
- I may work forever and I may not but that's okay because my joy does not rest in my career.
- I believe God is going to give Luke and I a baby and it will be in HIS time which is far better than it being in OUR time. If not I still believe God is a good good God.
- My crochet business is exactly where it needs to be right now and if never grows again that's okay because again my joy is not found in what I do.
- God is shaping me and growing me so that I can be a better leader to these groups. There may be seasons when I feel useless or unmotivated but God is still using me and using these groups in my life through the waiting.
Thanks for reading everyone, I appreciate it more than you know!