I think when you say you are trying to have a baby it’s perfect because that’s exactly what that stage is, trying. Almost a year ago I wrote a blog post about Luke and I’s first heartbreak in trying to start a family. Well I didn’t write the blog post almost a year ago it happened almost a year ago. I really wanted to hop on here and update everyone on where we are at and what it’s been like because I know for 100% fact I’m not alone here.
It has been a little over a year that we decided we wanted to start trying. We loved us and still love these days where it’s just me and Luke but we were and are ready to start and walk this journey to add one more person to our duo. This year hasn’t been easy in the slightest bit. I don’t write this post to gain any kind of sympathy, please do not think that. I write this because if you are reading this and you’re in the trying stage and you aren’t okay and you are trying very hard to pretend you’re okay I’m here to tell ya that I’m a hot mess and it actually is okay.
Some months pass and it’s another, no and I’m okay. Like I’m truly okay, I accept it and move on. Some months pass and that no hits extremely hard. It knocks me down for a day and then I get back up and move forward. Those times of the month are not the only times this journey is hard. The waiting is hard, the trying not to let it consume your mind is hard, the fact that it’s always in the back of your head and you feel you could burst into tears at any slightly emotional topic is HARD. Okay, that last one might not be everyone but I know there’s some other highly emotional ladies out there. You try to tell yourself you aren’t thinking about it and for a moment maybe you aren’t but just the mention of the topic and you can feel tears welling up makes you know that it’s there. It’s all hard but I think for me the absolute hardest part is knowing you have all you could possibly need and are still wanting something so badly.
This year has been hard, yes. But in many ways this year has been beautiful. God is showing himself to me in new ways daily. I have gained a whole new understanding of the word, hope. That’s all I’ve had to cling on to in these moments and they are truly what helps you keep on this journey. To know I serve a good God who cares for me and my heart and is working all things out for the good. That is hope. At times it’s easier to see that hope. There have been times this year I’ve cried out in frustration to God wondering if he’s listening to me. I’ve only been answered with love and confirmation that He is, He cares and He is not going anywhere. I love when a situation is used to reveal a side to God you may not have seen much of yet.
This season has been a lot of learning. The best lesson I’ve been learning is to make God my everything. To not only put him first but for there to be no second place. I am so far from perfect at this and find myself failing at it more than succeeding but I’m trying. With God being the only one you are looking at and looking to it makes everything fall into perspective. Not saying that these feelings and these troubles go away but it takes the pressure off yourself. I’ve had to understand that this whole thing is out of my control and I needed to stop grasping so tightly onto this circumstance when it’s not even mine to hold. Knowing that God is in control and that His timing is perfect has brought me peace in this storm. It’s not easy to let go of control but you holding onto control that’s not even yours to begin with is just standing in the way of God moving. It’s a hard one to learn but it’s worth it.
This year has been all about that faith that God is in the works and hope that Luke and I will have a child someday. A lot of people think it’s hard to see other people getting pregnant and having babies but I would say it’s the complete opposite. It’s more proof that God is a miracle working God. He keeps his promises and He fills me with hope.
To wrap this up, if you are in this trying stage know that it’s in God’s hands. Know that it’s okay to be sad and it’s okay if it hurts but don’t dwell too long on that sadness and hurt. God is working all things for the good and most importantly He is in the waiting.
This is song has been just wrecking me lately but in the best way possible so I wanted to throw this up here: https://youtu.be/GAGqvq4N_zQ