There are so many seasons of my life where I feel fully confident in who I am and who I was made to be. Then there are seasons where I feel lost and I get so down on myself. The bad seasons seem big and long and they seem to overpower the confident seasons. I think it's typical, more so for girls I believe, to not fully love or even know who they are. I've been apart and heard many conversations take place where girls are talking about what they don't like about themselves. Whether it be the way they look, who they are with isn't who they think it should be, their job isn't what they want and the list goes on and on. Trust me, I've been so guilty of this in my own life. The hardest part for me is that I know why I go through these seasons, my identity is rooted in very wrong things.
Spoiler alert: IF YOU ARE PULLING YOUR IDENTITY FROM ANYONE OR ANYHTING APART FROM CHRIST, YOU ARE PULLING YOUR IDENTITY FROM THE WRONG THINGS.
I put those words in bold so maybe I would see and read them. I need to hear that just as much as anyone else. I'm currently walking through a season of questioning my worth and value. Again these seasons come in waves and they are powerful.
My life is wonderful and I have no reason to complain or question God's goodness. Often times I find myself feeling guilty when I am in a season of insecurity. My family is great, my job is great, God has gifted me with a husband who thinks too highly of me. All of these things are such great things and that's where the trouble comes in. I think my life should be figured out and I should never question who I am because of these "things". The problem is I value who I am based off of them. Let me break down what I'm talking about.
My identity can not be rooted in the great things that God has given me. Period. Even if they are great they can't be where I pull my worth.
Here's some examples of how I do this in my own life and maybe you can relate.
My family is great, I am a daughter, a sister, a daughter in law, a sister in law, etc. When I am rooted in those titles when I fail as a daughter, sister, daughter in law, sister in law, etc, my identity takes a hit. When I'm not being as kind as I should be or I'm not spending enough time with my family I start to feel down on myself and the unsettling feeling creeps in. Are you with me yet? Okay, here's another example.
I have a good job but I can not be defined by my job, which I so often feel myself doing. So when I'm late daily, when I'm not putting in as much effort as I should again my identity takes a hard hit. Still not there? Alright here's the biggest one for me.
I have the worlds best husband, honestly he's amazing and I love being his wife but my identity can not even be rooted in my marriage. When I feel like I'm failing as a wife which if we are honest we have all been there. When I feel like I'm failing in marriage, I feel like I'm failing as a person.
These are all very real examples and things I do constantly. I root myself in the wrong things and when I fail, hit after hit comes to my identity until I'm left in pieces.
I long for the day when I can sit here and say I am not defined by my family, my job, my husband, people's opinions of me (woah, that one is huge for me). I can't wait to sit here and actually feel like I am freed from those things.
I know you are probably thinking, "Geez, this chick keeps writing posts about her problems that I can sort of relate to but then she doesn't tell me how to fix them". Trust me I feel your pain. With this particular issue I do have a solution! I'll warn you though, it's up to you and me if we are going to put in the work to do anything about it and it ain't going to be easy.
A lot of people have told me that it will come with age. The older I am the more comfortable I will be in my own skin and the less swayed I will be by all of these things. I think that's partially true. I've come a long way from the 80 pound awkward 8th grader that I was, I'm still awkward but I feel like it's getting better. While that might be part of the answer I think the real solution is to daily surrender our identity to Christ.
Like I said in the beginning, I go through seasons. Sometimes I'm very confident and others I'm so unsure of just about everything. One thing through all these seasons has remained the same and that is Christ's love for me. He sees me the same no matter where I am at in life. He looks down and doesn't see all my flaws and where I feel like I'm failing in life, all he sees is his Son. He sees someone that He called by name long before they were even born.
He doesn't see me as a uncaring family member, a unworthy employee and a failing wife. Even when I feel these things and the world sees these things He doesn't. That's why we have to go outside the world to pull our identity. When we live with eyes focused on Christ and less on this world the more our identity will stop being rooted in the changing aspects of life. By having our eyes focused on Christ I mean daily spending time getting to know Him. Scripture has a lot to say about how God sees us and if we don't know it how can we root who we are in Him? If we aren't daily seeking to know him more and spend time talking to Him how will we ever get out of these tough seasons? If we aren't spending time with other people being real and brutally honest about how we feel like big giant failures how can we ever get our eyes pointed back to Christ? All of this I know, it's much easier said than done but with a lot of effort I think we can make it happen.
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5
"I knew you before you were born, I set you apart"