Here's where I'm at.
I am very good at feeling guilty about things. I'll be sitting at home and start thinking about that family member or friend that I haven't seen in a while and then suddenly I'm filled with guilt. Then that guilt leads to me thinking about how my house is dirty and I should clean it and why can't I just get it together. This goes on and on until I'm left in a pool of self loathing. It's not healthy and I know this but it's just how it's always been.
Some of these things I know I need to show myself some grace with and I'm working on it. Sometimes I like that I feel guilty. When it is about the right things it's good to take an honest look at my life and notice where I could do better. An example of that would be what I want tonight's blog to be about. The fact that women and children are being sold in my own city, state, country, world and I'm not doing anything about it. That is a guilt/ desire of mine that I can't shake. The need and guilt that I can't seem to clean my house all the time, that guilt passes. It's usually set off by going to someone else's perfect home or seeing a picture on instagram. The guilt is there for a minute and then it's gone. The guilt that I'm doing nothing to help those around me, that guilt doesn't go away.
It started about 4 years ago. I had always avoided the topic of human trafficking because it was linked to my biggest fear. At first my anxiety centered around my fear of being raped, kidnapped and sold. Naturally I stayed away from learning about this dark issue in fear it would maximize my anxiety. One night in our small group at church we all watched the documentary Nefarious together. If you haven't seen it, get on amazon and order it like now. It exposes the trends and shows you how trafficking is operated around the world. I was scared to death when we started watching it but I tried really hard not to let my fear show through. At the end of the documentary though I didn't feel scared, I didn't feel anxious I felt super angry. I don't think that righteous anger has stopped since. It's always there burning in the back of mind.
After that I wanted to do something, anything. My church partnered with a local refuge house for women and we did a few things as a church there. I loved doing that but I wanted more. The opportunity came for me to start volunteering there. At first I was just giving rides to a girl staying there. It was great but still I wanted more. Then finally the opportunity for more came. I was asked to start staying the night there twice a week. At first I was terrified. There was a volunteer night one night and we were just getting trained and ready. It was one of the few times in my life that I knew that I was doing exactly what God wanted me to do. I had never felt more at peace sitting there with women younger and older who were passionate and actively working to fight one huge issue.
Looking back now I can appreciate how beautiful God's timing and design is. He was turning my biggest fears and center of anxiety into a way to serve him and his people better. I was hanging out with girls who had been through some of my biggest fears. Their attitudes and hope were inspiring.
I volunteered there for a while and loved every minute. Then life was getting crazier and I was about to get married so I had to take a break. Well that break lasted much longer than intended and here I still sit.
I guess part of my point in writing this post is to tell you a little more about me and the things that I care for the most. The main reason I think though is to share my journey with you. I'm trying to make more time for things that my heart longs to pursue. I'm done putting these desires second to other things. I'm actively looking and in prayer for opportunities to serve in fighting this industry. I took one small step last week and decided to dedicate 15% of my crochet business to She Has a Name, a local group of abolitionists. It's a very small first step because my crochet business is more like a hobby of mine where I sell the finished products but it's something.
I believe that God has designed us all in a way where we are passionate about different topics and issues around the globe. It's so important that it works that way. If one issue had everyone's attention that one issue would be the only one being helped. If you have a desire or passion God planted deep within you I would encourage you to shine a light on it. I'm done being the person who is waiting for everyone else to move and decided it's time for me to do some light shining myself.