I was going to title this post a lot of things, late night thoughts, holy thoughts, the list goes on but nothing really describes where I’ve been lately better than bleck.
This week has been good, I feel like I’m finally starting to get back on the right track again.
Let me back up... I go through crappy times in life and I like to call them ruts. Putting a fun name on them makes me feel better. During these ruts, I feel stuck. I feel like my life has been moving fast and then all of sudden screeches to a hault. For approximately one minute I’m okay with life slowing down. Then I start to immediately question what’s next? I go through my checklist.
- I was born, check.
-I made it through awkward teenage years, check.
- I got married, check.
- We bought a house, check.
- We got a dog, check.
What is next? Naturally people will say kids but see my last blog post and see where I am in that area. I’m scared.
I’m scared my wanting a kid is only coming from me wanting the next thing. When I search deep and ask myself, “Are you ready for kids?” I think the almost programmed answer would be of course I’m ready! I have the husband, I have the house, how could I not be ready? The true and honest answer is no. Maybe it’s selfishness and maybe it’s just I’m not ready to share Luke with anyone quite yet.
My fear is to dive head deep into something just because it’s the next move. I’ve done this before.. recently. I dove head deep into something and now I’m thinking it wasn’t the right move. I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about. If you know me, you know what I’m saying and honestly I am not ready to admit that mistake just yet. Hope that’s okay. I’ll get there don’t worry.
Here is the worst part of these ruts and the root cause of them. When I’m so busy thinking, planning, dreaming about the next thing I take God completely out of it. Life has been great and everything is working out and then one day I forget to read scripture. That one day turns into a week and then a month and then I’m sitting there like, “Wow, I wonder why I feel so crappy and nothing in my life makes sense?” HELLO!! You can’t even remember the last time you had real intimate time with your creator. You have totally taken God out of your plans. You are busy figuring out how you are going to conquer the world but are forgetting the one who is going to give you the power to do it!
Usually when these ruts take place I seek out wisdom. From family, friends, Pastor friends, my husband, my small group, etc. It usually works. They give me advice, I follow it for a bit, start to feel better and then life screeches to a hault again and in comes another rut. I’m really specifically talking about this year. It’s happened a lot this year.
This month I started feeling this way again but this time it’s been different. Instead of rushing for help and advice from the nearest person who will listen I’m learning to take it to Christ first. I’ve actually been avoiding people knowing I’ll unleash everything onto them and I’m not ready for that yet. Suuuper healthy I know, hiding from people but I have got to create a habit of taking it up with Christ before anyone else. I‘m really trying and I’m learning. I’m learning to be real and honest about my lack of desire to read scripture and where my hearts been lately. Speaking these feelings to the one who already knows them has been so freeing.
As I look back at some decisions I’ve made in life I know that I took some steps because they have just been the next step. I knew they are what people wanted me to do and expected me to do so I did them. Most of the time is has worked in my favor but has only left me wondering what’s next?
This time I’m waiting. I’m listening. I’m listening to that still small voice in the back of my mind. I’ll move when it’s time but for now I’m excited to be here, at a hault. Learning more daily about who Christ is and what HIS desires are for me. Letting him shape and mold me through the process. Ahh that would of been a good title, The Process. Oh well :)
“And he said, "Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord." And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper.”
1 Kings 19:11-12 ESV